And Now for a Personal Piece - RE: Dear White Mom

Recently, there was another mom blog "BonBon Break" that was brought to my attention on FaceBook. The entry that caught my eye was titled: Dear White Mom. In this entry, a Black mother asks the White Mom to please educate their white children about the hardships that Black children experience on a daily basis since there is no way that a white child would ever experience any racism of their own.
She states: "Talk to your family about what their black and brown friends might experience that they don’t have to. Teach your family to empathize with, and give the benefit of the doubt to, people whose world and experience is far outside their own." 
This entry on BonBob Break was inspired by what happened in Ferguson, Mo. An unarmed Black man was shot and killed by police officers. The writer states her fears that racism against African-Americans is growing in the US and she fears for her little man at home.
A very valid fear.
Although the majority of racism in the US is against African-Americans, there are plenty of racism and acts of prejudice among other cultures. We cannot ask for action against one and totally ignore, and in this woman's case, out right deny the existence of another.
There are many factors that, it would seem, this woman forgot. The entry implies that white moms only give birth to white children. It is a proven fact that there have been increases in interracial marriages that resulted in children in the US. Even with that fact put aside, the US is a melting pot of ethnicity, culture and diversity.

Another startling suggestion from this piece was that white children will never in their lives experience racism. That statement is in and of itself, racist.
To deny that there is racism against white people, especially among children, is down right insulting. Although it is significantly less, it does exist. The common attitude toward racism against white people is that they deserve it because of what they did during slavery and the decades that followed.
This is absurd.
The current generation should not be punished for what those before them have done. A lot of the time, the white families that are being targeted were not even living in the US when slavery was still in practice.
The entry goes on to say, "in your Facebook feed share something that shows this matters to you. Don’t say you don’t want to be political. Don’t tell me you don’t want to offend people. Because all that means is you don’t want to get into it with your clueless white friends. " 
It is more likely that these "white moms" don't really have an opinion beyond the immediate outrage and shock everyone else is feeling. When being called out like in this blog post, most don't know how to deal with them being inadvertenly called a racist, or at the very least, apathetic.  So, as a result, people share this blog in the fear of being called something that they are not.
Racism is real. Nowadays it touches everyone's lives at one point or another. But, ignorantly calling out a specific group of people demanding them to pull their heads out of the sand and take action is not the way to go.
One type of racism does not outweigh another. Racism against African-Americans is just as important as against whites, or Asians, or Pacific Islanders or Hispanics. It all matters. It is all Racism.
What happened to Michael Brown in Ferguson was an outright tragedy. As this woman states, "unarmed is unarmed." But, to lump all white mothers together and call them clueless and privileged is the exact type of behavior that this mother is asking her "dear white friends" to correct.

It's a Mom-Eats-Mom World Out There!

Being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time, 24/7/365 kind of job. There are no healthcare benefits. There is no vacation times. There is no pay. That is, there is no pay aside from getting to watch your child grow and learn and experience the world.
So, as woman and men choose to stay home with there children for an array of reasons from being  more cost effective to simply because that's what families want to do, why are they being scrutinized for it?
It is a big, sacrificial decision to choose to leave the nine-to-five and take up the full time, all consuming role of Mommy. After years, sometimes decades of working you are suddenly thrown into a world where a little person reigns king. Your boss is selfish, demanding, impatient and sometimes, down right violent.
This person is your baby.
For every "good" emotion like love, compassion, devotion and patience there are about a dozen "bad" emotions like jealousy, hate, inferiority and guilt. These emotions work against us and cause us to make decisions that we may not normally make.
In an article dated April of this year, a Boston publication printed "The Nasty, Backstabbing, and Miserable World of the Suburban Mom" the author talks about a high-end society clique of moms that is ruled by the ruthless Queen Bee.
The mothers described in the article seem like something out of the work of fiction. Beautiful, rich, moms that send their kids to all the "right schools" and collaborate playdates, and girl's night outs and BBQs. The group where all the husbands are friends and go play golf together.
Who's life is actually like this?
Being a stay-at-home-mom if far too time consuming to worry about a regular playdate, let alone the "right one." In reality, it's a good day if you do laundry, fold AND put it away. There are days when the baby is clean and dressed, but Mom may not be.

The day is jammed packed with cleaning, scraping, wiping, changing, playing, walking, running, chasing and yes, sometimes crying (from you, of course). It could be four o'clock in the afternoon before you realize that you are still in your pajamas. And not the sexy ones either.
In response to the Boston article, another stay-at-home-mom poses the question: Why do stay-at-home-moms hesitate to tell people that their job is taking care of their children?
The answer, according to this writer, is it's because there is a culture in the United States that belittles and even scrutinizes women for staying home with their children. There is stigmatism that says that stay-at-home-moms don't do anything all day. Comments like, "It must be nice to sit at home all day with your baby."
In truth that's a loaded statement.
While, yes it is nice to "sit at home with your baby all day" (when in reality there is very little sitting involved) that statement implies that it isn't extremely difficult to be at home with a baby all day. It is real, hard work with very little rest and few immediate reward.

Unfortunately, this does not only come from the random Target cashier who doesn't realize the sting of their comment. It comes from other moms who do work. Strangely, as another mom, you would expect them to understand how hard it is to take care of a small child on a 24 hour basis. Instead of banding together, some moms attack others and try to belittle and shame them.
Have confidence. Being a stay-at-home-mom is a 24/7/365 job with very little rest and no pay. Staying home with your child is what works for your family. This way, you don't miss one smile, one tear, one laugh, one sleepy sigh. There will be no worrying about who is attending to your child. Although it's an extremely busy, hard, frustrating job, it is the most rewarding.

There Will Be More Babes A-comin'!

The US Supreme Courts, all men, have recently ruled that bosses no longer have to cover birth control with company provided medical insurance.
According to the Chicago Tribune on June 30th, "In a 5-4 vote on ideological lines, the justices said that such companies can seek an exemption from the so-called birth control mandate of the law known as Obamacare. The decision, which applies only to companies owned by a small number of individuals, means employees of those companies will have to obtain certain forms of birth control from other sources." 
This is not only bad news for the right for women to make their own medical decisions that Obama had fought two years for. The problem with the 5-4 ruling runs much deeper.
In an already overpopulated world, birth control helps women plan adequately for their families. It allows a woman, a lot of them mothers, to make careful decisions about if and when they have children and how many.
In a letter to the US Supreme Justice, MomsRising.org stated, "the economic security and health of mothers and families across our nation are dependent on mothers' ability to control how many children to have, and when to have them."
If birth control is no longer easily accessible, the amount of unplanned pregnancies will inevitably rise creating financial hardships, emotional stress and in some severe cases even death. Men and women may be forced with making the heartbreaking and difficult decision between bringing an unplanned child into the world, whether they can afford it or not, or abortion (which isn't covered either).
On average, it takes $226,950.00 to raise a child from birth to 18 in the US as of 2010. This sum does not include college or unforeseen medical expenses. In some states, just one year of childcare cost more than one year of college.
Although this new ruling only applies to small businesses that believe that the Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. Obamacare, violates their religious freedom it still throws a wrench in the proverbial wheel of this nation. Studies show that in the US, about 99% of woman have used birth control at some point.
Statistics aside, in the Home of the Free, women should have the right to make decisions on their own. This especially applies to something as intimate as having a baby or not.
The discussion on whether or not to bring a new shining life into the world or not is a conversation between partners - not between boss and employee.


     

Who Mommy Groups are Really For

We all know how important it is for small children to get together with other children around their age. Socialization and development depends on the interactions that small children experience. These developments can be anything from simply being "okay" with being near another small baby to mimicking sounds that another child makes, or learning to share.
What isn't widely spoken about is how important these groups can be for the parents as well.
Motherhood can be isolating. This is especially the case when a mom or dad decides to stay at home with their new bundle of joy. Although parents are delighted that they get to spend as much time with their child as possible, allowing them to record every cute move their baby makes and posting them on Facebook as fast as their hands can manage, it can be hard and stressful.
Dangerous questions start to arise like, "what am I doing wrong?" and guilty thoughts like, "I'm such a bad parent" flood the brain. The important thing is to know that no parent is alone in these everyday, sometimes every minute struggles.
Here is where mommy groups come in.
Going to the park and simply interacting with other moms can relieve the stress and doubts that weigh parents down. Seeing that there are many different types of children that develop in their own time can help ease the worries and inadequacies that parents feel. If anything, it forces you to get dressed and leave the house for a little while.
Playgroups are another way to socialize your child and for parents to talk to each other. Gymboree, The Little Gym and community centers and YMCAs are great places to start. These places focus on a child's development while making it fun and stimulating for them. At the same time, parents bond over their children and can quickly identify how they play with other children.
Future playdate, anyone?
Of course it isn't always simple finding the right playgroup or mommy group. For some, it can be a major chore just to leave the house. If this is the case, start simple. When out for a walk in the neighborhood, or at the local Starbucks, if you pass another mom, say "hi." Speaking to a complete stranger about something as precious as your child can be scary, but once you open up (and have your kids interact) something mutually beneficial may blossom - Support.
After interacting with other moms you will quickly find that they are just as eager to establish connections with other moms as you are. This can especially be the case when a parent was used to working everyday and is now staying home all day with a little helpless creature to take care of. It can be a hard adjustment to make. Talking about these feelings with someone who can completely understand where you're coming from an help ease the burden that a lot of new parents feel.
Guilt, loneliness, shame, and fear all come with the territory of parenting. What counts is how you deal with these emotions. Sometimes, reaching out to your partner is not enough. Sometimes you just need to feel apart of something bigger than your house, and your baby and your worries. Sometimes, you just need someone to smile at you and say, "hi."

The Hidden Shame of Motherhood - an Inward Struggle

There are many emotions that come with having and raising a baby - fear, love, devotion, obsession, worry, but there is one emotion that moms are not always ready for. Shame.
The expression "it takes a village" can not be more relevant to raising a child. There are so many things out there that say what is good for our children and what is bad. There are decisions that need to be made. These decisions are not about yourself anymore. They are about the welfare and future of this little person that you brought into the world.
Should I circumcise my son?
Should we vaccinate our children?
Are my kids getting enough to eat?
Why won't this rash go away?
Along with all the feelings that come with struggling with these issues comes a large dose of judging. A lot of times, that judging comes from well-intenting fellow parents. On the other hand, a large amount of those judging comments and meaningful looks come from people who have never had children.
It's enough to get to anyone!
Social media is another source of shame and guilt. What mother (and sometimes father) doesn't have their pages and the pages of their close friends and family littered with pictures of their children laughing, playing with the dog, chasing after an other friend, or playing at the park. This is especially true when one parent is at home and the other is working.
Still, these pictures and videos can be deadly. To watch what other kids the exact same age are doing can make mothers feel guilty and inadequate. Dangerous questions flood the brain after watching a twenty second video of a 9 month old standing by themselves. You look at your eleven month old who is not even crawling yet and wonder the most treacherous question.
What did I do wrong?
The answer is NOTHING. There are so many methods out there on how to raise a child, but none of them are wrong. Parents are responsible to making tough decisions. A lot of times, they are forced to put into practice things that they don't do for themselves. These things could be regular dentist and doctors appointments, getting a flu shot, or eating healthy.
Methods of child rearing have changed dramatically since the last generation was born. It had changed even in the past ten years. There's always a study that shows that if a child skips crawling then they will not have strong math skills. Or, a study that shows that vaccinations cause autism. Or that saying "no" to a child will cause them social issues in their thirties.
Or, sometimes, a baby will just skip crawling.
There is a huge amount of guilt that goes with any decision that is made while raising a child. Along with that guilt, there's the shame of "not getting it right." Mothers hide their hardships from not only family and friends, but from other mothers for fear of being judged and accused of something that they could have changed or avoided.
It takes a village.
If a mother is struggling to get rid of a diaper rash for over a month, or has to put their child in a helmet because he has a flat head, or is still in the breastfeeding battle, it's okay. Most likely, the other mothers around you are having the same issues. Talk about it! Ask questions. You are not alone in these struggles.
Society puts a weighty expectation on mothers. After the emotional and physical trials of bringing a new life into the world, mothers are expected to hit the ground running. They are told, repeatedly, that "instincts will kick in." The fact is, not everything is about experience or instinct. Its about feeling supported and listened to and free and confident to make the decisions that will decide your child's future.
No parent can do this alone.
Remember. It takes a village to not only raise a child, but a parent as well

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Raising a Bicultural Child in the US

Times are changing. Not too long ago, the sight of a mixed couple would generate an upsurge of negative responses. Now, 13% of US marriages are interracial. This is shockingly higher than what is was thirty years ago when only just over 6% of US marriages were interracial.

Relatively speaking, mixed marraiges has only been legal in the US since 1967. This is a surprisingly recent year - most of our parents were already alive when this law was passed. That is something to reflect on.

The world is changing.

The US is a place far different from the place our parents were raised in. It is a different place than generation X, Y, and Z grew up in (the current baby having generations), for that matter. It will continue to change and shift again by the time this year's babies are old enough to have children of their own.

According to the Washington Post, "More than 7 percent of the 3.5 million children born in the year before the 2010 Census were of two or more races, up from barely 5 percent a decade earlier. The number of children born to black and white couples and to Asian and white couples almost doubled." 

Today, children of mixed couples have to be subjected to the questions like "What are you mixed with?" and parents are forced to answer the ever awkward question, "So, what is he?" Although the schoolyard is more accepting of mixed kids than even ten years ago, there is still curiosity and sometimes negative feelings toward them.

The US has long since been a melting pot of culture, language and heritage. Now, in 2014, people are still dividing themselves and each other into ethnic groups. In some places some children may feel forced to choose between races and heritage.

So, what does that mean for today's parents of young children? 

Parents are so much more than caregivers. They are teachers and friends. They are dictionaries, playmates. They are mommies and daddies. Children depend on the adults around them to show them how the world works. It is up to the caregivers to teach children about the places and things that surround them. 

That being said, the challenges of raising a bilingual, bicultural, biracial child is evident almost right away. Before my child reached his first birthday I had already been asked to choose which race my child was. 

Parents of interracial children are forced to cram their children into categories that may not necessarily exist anymore. The US is young. It was advertised as the Land of Opportunity and boy did they come running. As a result of that, its hard to say for certain where anyone really comes from. 

In the twenty-first century it is almost sad that we are still dividing ourselves up after everything that the US had done to fight for equality. They fought for marriage equality, civil rights, equality for women and same sex marriage. 

Although, no one means any harm, the question, "What is your kid mixed with?" can be damaging. It forces the parent and the child to pick a side when the lines are not as clear as they once were. We are a society of boundless technology and intellect. We should be breaking walls and boundaries,  not building them. 

As my husband so eloquently and lovely put it, "My son is part of the human race."

Booby Traps of Babyhood

Even before the first bulges of the pregnant belly show people feel the impulse to give advise, warn against bad things and the ever present, inevitable sentence that every mother or father to be expects and almost always gets...
It starts with, "Don't do..."
Bringing a new person into the world is hard. Once they arrive, it's even harder to keep that little person fed, dry, clean, energized, entertained, rested, dressed - the list goes on. However, after so many sleepless nights, new parents tend to make short cuts.
One of these short cuts is co-sleeping. Especially for breastfeeding mothers, it is far easier to just keep the baby in the bed where it can nurse whenever it wants than to get up several times a night to nurse and then put the baby back in the crib and hope they fall asleep again fast.
It's true that it is easier, but once that baby is older, it will be hard to get them out of the bed. A family bed never hurt anyone, but once that baby gets bigger, its hard to fit everyone. Also, it can cut down on intimacy between partners, among other things.
Another one of these pitfalls is the fast response to fussing. When babies are first born, everything is new and scary. Eating, sleeping, getting dressed, going poop are all foreign things that need to be learned. Once they are older though, (usually around 6 months) baby learns that if they fuss they get attention from mom and dad.
After concentrating on the little person's every need, doctors say to stop honoring their every whim and start denying them. There are few things that are harder than denying a crying baby. Still, as parents we need to toughen up and let them fuss it out. More often than not, they'll stop.
Of course, when parents respond quickly to a baby's cry they build trust with their little one. That trust teaches them to be independent and confident in their surroundings. Still, if parents overreact to every fuss and cry it may hinder the baby's development when it comes to millstones.
For example, if a baby is always being picked up when they fuss, they may not have as strong of a desire as other babies to become mobile and eventually walk on their own.
With breastfeeding mothers, its easy to nurse their baby to sleep. It's fast and effective and most of the time, they stay asleep for long periods of time. However, once baby gets older, they may not be able to fall asleep on their own and stay asleep on their own if they can't self-soothe. As baby grows into a toddler, it will be hard to transition them into a toddler bed if they can't go to sleep without sucking on something. Binkys are the same idea. Ultimately, you want your baby to fall asleep and stay asleep without the help of the nipple.
Parenting is hard. There is no right or wrong with raising a baby. Slowly, new parents learn what methods work best for them and their family. If any or all of these things work for your family, by all means, keep them up. With that said, it is up to the parents to teach the babies about the world. It's up to the parents to teach babies what to eat and when, where to sleep and for how long and what's dangerous and what is safe.

If we don't, how will they learn?