Ode to Daddy

When a woman has a baby she is overflowed with emotions and expectations. The harshest of these expectations comes from herself. She instantly feels the need to immediately be an expert in everything that is her baby. This behavior seems to be essential in the early months of her newborn's life.
However, as her child grows more independent it may be hard to remember that she is not, and never was, alone. There was another person who made it their business to be an instant expert in everything that is her child. From bathing to changing diapers, to fevers to feedings, this person has been there as well.
Daddy.
It's true that a lot of the care for a new baby falls on the mother. This is especially the case with breastfeeding and/or stay-at-home moms. Every moment of every day and night is centered around the small person that has recently come into the world. As a result, it may be hard to remember that Daddy can take care of baby just as well as Mommy.
Feelings of attachment often originate in the womb. A woman goes through a miraculous change while pregnant. According to Tracy Rosecrans of heartline.com, "Pregnancy is [a] time of great physical and emotional change for women."
The 40 weeks of pregnancy is plenty of time to set a woman up to feel like it all rests on her shoulders since all the changes are happening to her body and hers alone.
Society puts a lot of pressure on mothers to fully support and raise their child without any help. There is a heavy expectation that is implied in the early days after birth - your maternal instincts will kick in and you will magically know how to raise a little person (even if you've never been around a small person before...it's that magical) or you're a bad mother.
With guidelines like these, it's hard to remember that there is another person there worrying and dotting over that small person.
Yep, you guessed it - Daddy.
Doctors Richard and Jan Hanson stated that the village it takes to raise a child seems more like a ghost town these days. In their column "Mother Nurture" they say, "The amount of mental and physical work that comes with children is staggering. It ranges from figuring out what color to paint the new baby's bedroom while you're pregnant to -- eighteen years later -- helping him pack for college." 
What's the remedy? Share the load.
This isn't always easy. One of the first things that is told to a new mother is "establish a routine for your child" but that doesn't always include the father. As time passes and the routine becomes sacred it's hard to have confidence in the ability of the father.
The issue of course is not in the ability of the father's child caring skills. It's in the ability of the mother to let go and share the day to day tasks with your partner.
Let go!
It's important for all parents to have a little "Me Time." Everyone gets burnt out. To share the load is to get a little time to yourself. Even if it's just ten or fifteen minutes a day. Use that time to unwind and regroup.
Start with delegating some of the tasks. Assign some of the daily routine to your partner like the bath, getting dressed, story time or a walk. It may be hard at first, but they have been with baby from the beginning as well. More often than not, perhaps even more so with working parents, it gives them a chance to bond with baby since they've been away all day.
So, Daddy - take control of some tasks. Although Mommy may seem a little wary at first, know that it has less to do with her doubting your ability to care for your child and more to do with her inability to release some of the responsibility and sharing the load.

Why "All About That Bass" Is Awesome

The song "All About That Bass" by the 20-year-old Meghan Trainor is heard from the radio to the dance class at the gym. The question is, "why is that?"
Because it's awesome!
Meghan gives voice to all the young girls who are distraught that they don't look like the girls in the magazines. With a strong, beautiful voice and a beat you can't help, but dance to Meghan states plain and clear:
"Cuz every inch of you is perfect, from the bottom to the top."
What tweens and teens don't realize is that the reason they don't look like the girls in the fashion magazines is because the models are fictional. If the girls saw what the models looked like before they were Photoshopped they might feel a little better about themselves.
The song states, "I see the magazines working' that Photoshop. We know that sh*t ain't real. C'mon know, make it stop!"
What's great about that lyric is that it calls out the fashion industry for fabricating beauty which keeps little girls buying their products to look "beautiful." But, what they don't know is that they will never achieve it, since their base of beauty is physically impossible.
Surprisingly, Meghen has received some backlash. One blogger writes for the Feministing stated that the newly declared woman's anthem "All About That Bass" is disappointing. In response to the first verse where Meghan talks about accepting her curvy body, this blogger states, "No need to worry about failing to meet the standard of beauty imposed by the fashion industry, she meets the one imposed by men. Phew, that’s a relief!"
Although both forcing yourself into what the fashion industry claims in beautiful and forcing yourself into the image of what a man might think is beautiful are bad, (no girl of any age should force themselves into any sort of image) To say that you are curvy and that's beautiful is ultimately what she's saying in the song.
The blogger for Feministing goes to say, "OK, but are women who don’t have boom boom disqualified from having beauty? Is beauty the same thing as boom boom?"
This verse states what Meghan Trainor is trying to say. You are perfect the way you are. She is not disqualifying anyone. She is working off the pretense that skinny girls are generally considered beautiful more than curvy ones. Meghan states it clear as day in the first line of the song:
"Yeah, it's pretty clear. I ain't no size 2."
According to USA Today, "Psychologists and eating-disorder experts are worried about the same thing. They say the fashion industry has gone too far in pushing a dangerously thin image that women, and even very young girls, may try to emulate."
The article goes on to say that there are increases in eating disorders in young girls who are trying to lose weight to look like the models depicted in the magazines. The scary thing is that it isn't all photoshop. The lanky, "willowy" look of today's model's has been declared unhealthy by other fashion industry leaders in places like Spain and India.
Girls have enough trouble as it is trying to feel comfortable in their own skin. If a song like "All About That Bass" helps them, then good! So what if the lyrics are little shallow in places? If anything, the song opens the doors for the conversations that we should be having with our young girls about what is beautiful and what is just plain fabricated.

And Now for a Personal Piece - RE: Dear White Mom

Recently, there was another mom blog "BonBon Break" that was brought to my attention on FaceBook. The entry that caught my eye was titled: Dear White Mom. In this entry, a Black mother asks the White Mom to please educate their white children about the hardships that Black children experience on a daily basis since there is no way that a white child would ever experience any racism of their own.
She states: "Talk to your family about what their black and brown friends might experience that they don’t have to. Teach your family to empathize with, and give the benefit of the doubt to, people whose world and experience is far outside their own." 
This entry on BonBob Break was inspired by what happened in Ferguson, Mo. An unarmed Black man was shot and killed by police officers. The writer states her fears that racism against African-Americans is growing in the US and she fears for her little man at home.
A very valid fear.
Although the majority of racism in the US is against African-Americans, there are plenty of racism and acts of prejudice among other cultures. We cannot ask for action against one and totally ignore, and in this woman's case, out right deny the existence of another.
There are many factors that, it would seem, this woman forgot. The entry implies that white moms only give birth to white children. It is a proven fact that there have been increases in interracial marriages that resulted in children in the US. Even with that fact put aside, the US is a melting pot of ethnicity, culture and diversity.

Another startling suggestion from this piece was that white children will never in their lives experience racism. That statement is in and of itself, racist.
To deny that there is racism against white people, especially among children, is down right insulting. Although it is significantly less, it does exist. The common attitude toward racism against white people is that they deserve it because of what they did during slavery and the decades that followed.
This is absurd.
The current generation should not be punished for what those before them have done. A lot of the time, the white families that are being targeted were not even living in the US when slavery was still in practice.
The entry goes on to say, "in your Facebook feed share something that shows this matters to you. Don’t say you don’t want to be political. Don’t tell me you don’t want to offend people. Because all that means is you don’t want to get into it with your clueless white friends. " 
It is more likely that these "white moms" don't really have an opinion beyond the immediate outrage and shock everyone else is feeling. When being called out like in this blog post, most don't know how to deal with them being inadvertenly called a racist, or at the very least, apathetic.  So, as a result, people share this blog in the fear of being called something that they are not.
Racism is real. Nowadays it touches everyone's lives at one point or another. But, ignorantly calling out a specific group of people demanding them to pull their heads out of the sand and take action is not the way to go.
One type of racism does not outweigh another. Racism against African-Americans is just as important as against whites, or Asians, or Pacific Islanders or Hispanics. It all matters. It is all Racism.
What happened to Michael Brown in Ferguson was an outright tragedy. As this woman states, "unarmed is unarmed." But, to lump all white mothers together and call them clueless and privileged is the exact type of behavior that this mother is asking her "dear white friends" to correct.

It's a Mom-Eats-Mom World Out There!

Being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time, 24/7/365 kind of job. There are no healthcare benefits. There is no vacation times. There is no pay. That is, there is no pay aside from getting to watch your child grow and learn and experience the world.
So, as woman and men choose to stay home with there children for an array of reasons from being  more cost effective to simply because that's what families want to do, why are they being scrutinized for it?
It is a big, sacrificial decision to choose to leave the nine-to-five and take up the full time, all consuming role of Mommy. After years, sometimes decades of working you are suddenly thrown into a world where a little person reigns king. Your boss is selfish, demanding, impatient and sometimes, down right violent.
This person is your baby.
For every "good" emotion like love, compassion, devotion and patience there are about a dozen "bad" emotions like jealousy, hate, inferiority and guilt. These emotions work against us and cause us to make decisions that we may not normally make.
In an article dated April of this year, a Boston publication printed "The Nasty, Backstabbing, and Miserable World of the Suburban Mom" the author talks about a high-end society clique of moms that is ruled by the ruthless Queen Bee.
The mothers described in the article seem like something out of the work of fiction. Beautiful, rich, moms that send their kids to all the "right schools" and collaborate playdates, and girl's night outs and BBQs. The group where all the husbands are friends and go play golf together.
Who's life is actually like this?
Being a stay-at-home-mom if far too time consuming to worry about a regular playdate, let alone the "right one." In reality, it's a good day if you do laundry, fold AND put it away. There are days when the baby is clean and dressed, but Mom may not be.

The day is jammed packed with cleaning, scraping, wiping, changing, playing, walking, running, chasing and yes, sometimes crying (from you, of course). It could be four o'clock in the afternoon before you realize that you are still in your pajamas. And not the sexy ones either.
In response to the Boston article, another stay-at-home-mom poses the question: Why do stay-at-home-moms hesitate to tell people that their job is taking care of their children?
The answer, according to this writer, is it's because there is a culture in the United States that belittles and even scrutinizes women for staying home with their children. There is stigmatism that says that stay-at-home-moms don't do anything all day. Comments like, "It must be nice to sit at home all day with your baby."
In truth that's a loaded statement.
While, yes it is nice to "sit at home with your baby all day" (when in reality there is very little sitting involved) that statement implies that it isn't extremely difficult to be at home with a baby all day. It is real, hard work with very little rest and few immediate reward.

Unfortunately, this does not only come from the random Target cashier who doesn't realize the sting of their comment. It comes from other moms who do work. Strangely, as another mom, you would expect them to understand how hard it is to take care of a small child on a 24 hour basis. Instead of banding together, some moms attack others and try to belittle and shame them.
Have confidence. Being a stay-at-home-mom is a 24/7/365 job with very little rest and no pay. Staying home with your child is what works for your family. This way, you don't miss one smile, one tear, one laugh, one sleepy sigh. There will be no worrying about who is attending to your child. Although it's an extremely busy, hard, frustrating job, it is the most rewarding.

There Will Be More Babes A-comin'!

The US Supreme Courts, all men, have recently ruled that bosses no longer have to cover birth control with company provided medical insurance.
According to the Chicago Tribune on June 30th, "In a 5-4 vote on ideological lines, the justices said that such companies can seek an exemption from the so-called birth control mandate of the law known as Obamacare. The decision, which applies only to companies owned by a small number of individuals, means employees of those companies will have to obtain certain forms of birth control from other sources." 
This is not only bad news for the right for women to make their own medical decisions that Obama had fought two years for. The problem with the 5-4 ruling runs much deeper.
In an already overpopulated world, birth control helps women plan adequately for their families. It allows a woman, a lot of them mothers, to make careful decisions about if and when they have children and how many.
In a letter to the US Supreme Justice, MomsRising.org stated, "the economic security and health of mothers and families across our nation are dependent on mothers' ability to control how many children to have, and when to have them."
If birth control is no longer easily accessible, the amount of unplanned pregnancies will inevitably rise creating financial hardships, emotional stress and in some severe cases even death. Men and women may be forced with making the heartbreaking and difficult decision between bringing an unplanned child into the world, whether they can afford it or not, or abortion (which isn't covered either).
On average, it takes $226,950.00 to raise a child from birth to 18 in the US as of 2010. This sum does not include college or unforeseen medical expenses. In some states, just one year of childcare cost more than one year of college.
Although this new ruling only applies to small businesses that believe that the Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. Obamacare, violates their religious freedom it still throws a wrench in the proverbial wheel of this nation. Studies show that in the US, about 99% of woman have used birth control at some point.
Statistics aside, in the Home of the Free, women should have the right to make decisions on their own. This especially applies to something as intimate as having a baby or not.
The discussion on whether or not to bring a new shining life into the world or not is a conversation between partners - not between boss and employee.


     

Who Mommy Groups are Really For

We all know how important it is for small children to get together with other children around their age. Socialization and development depends on the interactions that small children experience. These developments can be anything from simply being "okay" with being near another small baby to mimicking sounds that another child makes, or learning to share.
What isn't widely spoken about is how important these groups can be for the parents as well.
Motherhood can be isolating. This is especially the case when a mom or dad decides to stay at home with their new bundle of joy. Although parents are delighted that they get to spend as much time with their child as possible, allowing them to record every cute move their baby makes and posting them on Facebook as fast as their hands can manage, it can be hard and stressful.
Dangerous questions start to arise like, "what am I doing wrong?" and guilty thoughts like, "I'm such a bad parent" flood the brain. The important thing is to know that no parent is alone in these everyday, sometimes every minute struggles.
Here is where mommy groups come in.
Going to the park and simply interacting with other moms can relieve the stress and doubts that weigh parents down. Seeing that there are many different types of children that develop in their own time can help ease the worries and inadequacies that parents feel. If anything, it forces you to get dressed and leave the house for a little while.
Playgroups are another way to socialize your child and for parents to talk to each other. Gymboree, The Little Gym and community centers and YMCAs are great places to start. These places focus on a child's development while making it fun and stimulating for them. At the same time, parents bond over their children and can quickly identify how they play with other children.
Future playdate, anyone?
Of course it isn't always simple finding the right playgroup or mommy group. For some, it can be a major chore just to leave the house. If this is the case, start simple. When out for a walk in the neighborhood, or at the local Starbucks, if you pass another mom, say "hi." Speaking to a complete stranger about something as precious as your child can be scary, but once you open up (and have your kids interact) something mutually beneficial may blossom - Support.
After interacting with other moms you will quickly find that they are just as eager to establish connections with other moms as you are. This can especially be the case when a parent was used to working everyday and is now staying home all day with a little helpless creature to take care of. It can be a hard adjustment to make. Talking about these feelings with someone who can completely understand where you're coming from an help ease the burden that a lot of new parents feel.
Guilt, loneliness, shame, and fear all come with the territory of parenting. What counts is how you deal with these emotions. Sometimes, reaching out to your partner is not enough. Sometimes you just need to feel apart of something bigger than your house, and your baby and your worries. Sometimes, you just need someone to smile at you and say, "hi."

The Hidden Shame of Motherhood - an Inward Struggle

There are many emotions that come with having and raising a baby - fear, love, devotion, obsession, worry, but there is one emotion that moms are not always ready for. Shame.
The expression "it takes a village" can not be more relevant to raising a child. There are so many things out there that say what is good for our children and what is bad. There are decisions that need to be made. These decisions are not about yourself anymore. They are about the welfare and future of this little person that you brought into the world.
Should I circumcise my son?
Should we vaccinate our children?
Are my kids getting enough to eat?
Why won't this rash go away?
Along with all the feelings that come with struggling with these issues comes a large dose of judging. A lot of times, that judging comes from well-intenting fellow parents. On the other hand, a large amount of those judging comments and meaningful looks come from people who have never had children.
It's enough to get to anyone!
Social media is another source of shame and guilt. What mother (and sometimes father) doesn't have their pages and the pages of their close friends and family littered with pictures of their children laughing, playing with the dog, chasing after an other friend, or playing at the park. This is especially true when one parent is at home and the other is working.
Still, these pictures and videos can be deadly. To watch what other kids the exact same age are doing can make mothers feel guilty and inadequate. Dangerous questions flood the brain after watching a twenty second video of a 9 month old standing by themselves. You look at your eleven month old who is not even crawling yet and wonder the most treacherous question.
What did I do wrong?
The answer is NOTHING. There are so many methods out there on how to raise a child, but none of them are wrong. Parents are responsible to making tough decisions. A lot of times, they are forced to put into practice things that they don't do for themselves. These things could be regular dentist and doctors appointments, getting a flu shot, or eating healthy.
Methods of child rearing have changed dramatically since the last generation was born. It had changed even in the past ten years. There's always a study that shows that if a child skips crawling then they will not have strong math skills. Or, a study that shows that vaccinations cause autism. Or that saying "no" to a child will cause them social issues in their thirties.
Or, sometimes, a baby will just skip crawling.
There is a huge amount of guilt that goes with any decision that is made while raising a child. Along with that guilt, there's the shame of "not getting it right." Mothers hide their hardships from not only family and friends, but from other mothers for fear of being judged and accused of something that they could have changed or avoided.
It takes a village.
If a mother is struggling to get rid of a diaper rash for over a month, or has to put their child in a helmet because he has a flat head, or is still in the breastfeeding battle, it's okay. Most likely, the other mothers around you are having the same issues. Talk about it! Ask questions. You are not alone in these struggles.
Society puts a weighty expectation on mothers. After the emotional and physical trials of bringing a new life into the world, mothers are expected to hit the ground running. They are told, repeatedly, that "instincts will kick in." The fact is, not everything is about experience or instinct. Its about feeling supported and listened to and free and confident to make the decisions that will decide your child's future.
No parent can do this alone.
Remember. It takes a village to not only raise a child, but a parent as well

.